Sooooo. I’m freaking out today. The timeline finally thoroughly settled into my bones this morning, which resulted in me being sick. And it basically has been a losing battle of trying to keep calm ever since. The unwinding of Cool-Calm-Collected Cate began yesterday as I began to cross off some major to-dos and as the mark throughs continued into today, so did the escalation of Cate’s unraveling.

The dreaded “What The Fuck Am I Doing” question has been asked an exorbitant amount of times these last two days. A fact of which I loathe. I’ve never been one to question myself. Ever. I have always, always been overly confident in every single life choice I have ever made. Both the very good choices and the very bad ones. And I have made some pretty bad life choices. It also doesn’t help that key people in my life are picking up on the trendy observation that this time this particular life choice feels different. I feel it, too. I can’t explain if it’s a good different or a bad different or if it feels so final – like I am never coming back (hopefully by choice and not due to being six feet under). Maybe it’s because this time around Da isn’t here to have a beer with me, to tell me to go seize whatever opportunities I want and to generally calm me the hell down. No idea. But it does feel different and I do trust that the reason as to why or how different will reveal itself in due course but until then, it’s terrifyingly  a little unnerving. I have to keep telling myself over and over that this – this is a brilliant choice of path. Over and over and over. Most hours I believe it. Most.

I am extremely grateful for the support system I have here. Never has my nuclear family questioned my leaving. This time or the times in the past. They have never used it against me or made me feel like I was abandoning them or my responsibilities. It has always been, ” Well. See ya when you get back!” My closest friends are sad that I am leaving but overly excited about the new adventure that awaits and the fact that they now have a place to crash when traveling overseas. You hear horror stories about it. I have had friends who have uprooted themselves and moved across country or pond and who have experiences with family members that leave a sour taste in your mouth. It actually boggles my brain when I hear such stories of unsupportive families. I have always been able to choose the education and the education system, the places in which I have lived and the people in which I spend my time with without conflict. And the same will be said when I choose to marry, how to raise my kids etc.  Without the strong presence of support that I receive from these individuals, I don’t know how I would be doing. In any aspect of my life. Honestly. To them, I say thank you.